It feels just like yesterday, as I sit here in my living room, penning down my thoughts of what went down throughout the year. Time flies, and time waits for no one. 2016 was epic, new horizons, new friends, new experiences. I thought nothing could top it and then came 2017. Life is funny huh? When you think you went through it all but it just surprises you with more.
Don't you think that as the years past, time seems to be going quicker? I remember when I was younger, I would lament for time to pass faster and now, all I wish is for is the clock to stop ticking. Time, it's the most precious thing in the world because it is something that you can never get back.
2017 for me was a whirlwind. There were many exciting highlights but of course, yin and yang, there has to be a balance. I had my fair share of negative times; Faced and fought depression, removed negative people in my life, health issues and more. Despite it all, I managed to fight off all my demons and came out stronger than before. This is life I guess, not letting it hit you down but growing into something so much more than what everyone perceives you to be.
Originally, I had no directions on how I want this post to be like. However, as I kept typing, I realised that I want this to be much more than just a self-reflection post on what went down in my life. I want this to be something that I know the majority of you could resonate with, which is about fighting your own inner demons, fighting depression, fighting all the negativity in life.
As you grow, you are bound to meet people who will love & hate you, violently. I recall typing in my post last year on how I am so lucky to have little haters because here I am, just minding my own business and doing what I love. Jokes on me bruh, 2017 took a huge turn and I saw "friends" whom I have trusted turn their backs on me. I couldn't accept it, and I was thrown into a vicious cycle of self-hate. For a period of time, I even went through depression. I was killing myself while trying to stay alive and that's when I knew it is time to get myself out of the rut.
The thing about depression is, it hits you silently but it builds up. You won't even know until it escalates into a wave and drown you in a series of emotions. Depression isn't about giving up and taking your life. It is waking up and having the fear to live. That was what hit me hard. As a person so full of zest and life, to wake up each morning fearing for what's to come, it felt like my world was falling apart. You don't need a medical professional to diagnose this. Personally, I think everyone battles with depression, it is just to what extent.
I entered social media in the hopes of sharing my love and passion, to help fellow likeminded individuals and be a pillar of support for those who need it. It was amazing and my favourite times were actually sharing about my #MidnightThoughts & encouragement because it helped so many people to get through with life. Slowly, as life started to eat me from inside, I stopped. I couldn't pretend to be positive and encouraging when my mental state was in the darkest pit. Some of you who actively followed my #MidnightThoughts even noticed my absence and messaged me about it.
Truth is, I was engulfed in the negativity of what social media brings about. It is a whole package, you can't just savour the good and get on with it. I could not accept being innocently attacked but neither was I keen in fighting back and stirring drama. I won't be talking about what happened because that is not my purpose. It is juicy gossip but I am not here to spread negativity, I am here to bring you guys out of it. I can write names, point fingers, gain views and traction, but that is not what I want. It is never what I wanted and I will never wish harm on others, even on people who have hurt me.
Aside from that, being an overachiever, I was killing myself trying to beat myself. When I was at a better place, I would question myself, "How can I do better?" As my mental state deteriorated, it became "What if I can't do it again?" It is just a simple play of words but the damage was already done. From something positive, it turned into a sentence that carried so much weight. I became my own target and unknowingly, I was killing myself.
Everyone goes through this, but because it happens so fast, it only hits you when the pressure has accumulated into a giant ball of unhappy thoughts. At some point of time, I knew I couldn't take it anymore. I had to get myself out of this. It is not about seeking medical help or drowning in prescriptions. Only YOU can help yourself to get out of this depressive state. YOU need to find the source that is hurting you and extract it out yourself. I can't emphasise enough how powerful your thoughts are and if you can steer it well, you can live whatever the kind of life you wish to live. Change your thoughts and you can change your life. Depression will always be there, but it is up to YOU on whether you wish to let it win you or not.
For me, I knew my source - it wasn't about the people who hurt me, it wasn't about my work. It was myself. I was being too hard on myself. I knew I had to get out to reorientate my thoughts. The Universe pointed a direction so I booked the next flight out to India and found sanctuary. Previously, I questioned all the failed attempts to travel to India (I REALLY wanted to travel to India, all my friends knew about it because I could go on about how beautiful the city is for a good hour) and to finally get there, at the right time and to meet the right people, it all made sense. Everything aligned and all I had to do was to trust the Universe.
What I am trying to say here is, nobody can help you until you decide to help yourself. To get out of whatever state you are in, DECIDE that you want to get out. Decide that you are so done with whatever shit you are going through, listen to the Universe, to your gods, to the stars, to the voices, listen to yourself. Help will always come to those who ask. Everything will fall into place when you decide that you are ready to get yourself to a better place.
I decided. I decided that I do not need to take anybody's crap. I decided that I will not be victimised by others. I decided that I will be better to myself, I will not harm myself in the process of getting better. With that, opportunities started to flow in. I removed all traces of negative influences and allowed better things and people into my life. People who inspire me to be better, people who support me and my endeavours, people who think, feel and breathe the same air as I do.
A wise samaritan that I met in India taught me to let go of things that doesn't serve you. Accept people for who they are. Accept people who have harmed you but always remember to forgive and forget. Let go & move on. Everyone comes with their own baggage, some choose to hurt others just so to alleviate their own. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent, it is your choice on how you want to lead your life. With that, for 2018, I wish for all of you to make good choices for yourself. Be strong and fight your inner demons, let go of whatever that doesn't serve you. Be kind to others, and most importantly, be kind to yourself.
Some may think that they have had a rough 2017, but I would like to see it as a wonderful one filled with lots of lessons learnt and self-growth. I am ready for the new year and I can't wait to see what the Universe has in stored for all of us.